The Days I Hope Never Come

Today's post will be mostly about and for my sister.

As many of you don't know(or do), My sister has Lupus. Its a rare form of Cancer. Statistics say that- anywhere from 1.5 - 5 million Americans are conflicted with Lupus (Or a different form of it.) 90% of all of those people are Women. Lupus is 2 to 3 times more prevalent in women of color than white women. 5% of the children born to those with Lupus will develop the illness. It is also believed that between 10-15% of people with lupus will die prematurely due to complications of lupus.

My sister Nathalie is engaged to her fiance James. They plan on getting married this May. I couldn't be happier for them! My sister is an amazing person. She's truly marrying her best friend.

But recently, she was diagnosed with Lupus. For those of you who haven't already tried to Google it and read some about it, Nathalie has the form where its basically an Auto-immune System Failure. In dummy words, her immune system is working against her. Her body is fighting against the good cells and nutrients she needs, and keeping the bad ones. This causes that the major joints in the body (Ankles, Knees, Wrists, Shoulders, Hips, and a few of the smaller ones; knuckles, the tendons and ligaments in her feet.) to become inflamed and it causes her a lot of pain.

It made me so sad to hear the news one morning before school that "Hey, I just want you to know that your sister's being sick is because she has Cancer." I cried the better half of the day until I had no tears left and I didn't care to really talk to anyone. I just put my ear phones in and shut out the world for a day. I pretended like I didn't know just yet, but I knew that she would tell me eventually.

We had the talk. The "Why Me" talk. It was frightening to hear the thoughts that rushed through her head because of this illness. The fact that she asked me "Why can't I be normal?" broke my heart! How am I supposed to answer that question? All I could think of was "Heavenly Father has a specific plan for you." Later she asked me Why He thought to give her this trial. I thought to myself that 'it's because he knew that you could do it. He knew and had faith in the strength I see everyday.'

When we first sat down to talk about what she feels, it was hard. Really hard. How would you like to sit next to someone who is crying, in so much pain they can't put it to a scale, and just sit there. Not being able to take that pain away. Not knowing how to make them feel better. It's a TERRIBLE feeling. Absolutely terrible. I felt useless. BUT! I am currently taking physiology and anatomy at school. This class has helped me learn all the muscles and bones of the human body along with their functions and what they help do. SO! Along with that awesome class, I'm doing an Internship this semester as a Student Trainer. I get to help the school athletes slowly and progressively get better, and if they don't know whats wrong I help them figure it out. I get to watch the head trainer (Donny Bills -- Best man I know. He's amazing.) show me what is going on and how to treat it. So I get to learn about the body and how to help strengthen, protect, prevent, etc.

Now, with that being said, I can use what I've been learning on my sister. When she says her back hurts I know that its the Lumbar region. When she says her hands hurt I can tell her exactly which joint is causing the problem and what to do to prevent more pain.

I hope, the day never comes that I have to witness my sister in a hospital bed. Or watch her hair fall out from the chemotherapy. I never want to see my sister cry because she can't take the pain and is just letting it take over. I've seen my sister cry before about this, but I hope those days Never Ever come.

I live for the nights that my sister and I just sit next to each other, talk about our days, and enjoy each others company. I live for the moments when I have to help her stand up, or fetch her something that she can't physically. If there is anything I can do to help ease the load. I will.

It's for this reason that I want to be an athletic trainer. It's because of that feeling I get when I am able to help someone feel better and they let me know that I've done that. It's the greatest feeling in the world. But when I can't do anything to help them. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to make them feel better. That. That moment. Is when I feel pretty useless.

So, ... yeah. I have a million and one thoughts running through my mind every day since I found out. Then i figured.. I'm probably not the only one whose having a hard time. So I've decided to put others first. Nathalie of course being my one and only real thought but at school and in the training room, I'm there to help others.

I love my sister Nathalie.