Fry Bread?

The title has nothing to do with anything in this post... FYI

Lately... Life has taken its toll on me and its dragged me behind its wagon of trials, pains, and afflictions. But you know, I'm on the upward hill now. Walking. Actually no. I'm walking on a road. That is tilted ever so slightly up. So slightly that I can't even feel the difference. I guess you can say that for a road going down... But I'm going up. I am. :) On this fabulous break with only 3 more days left, i am having a good time.

Someone gave my family secret Santa gifts. We all got one gift and a card. We have no idea who they are from. We have absolutely no idea. I want to know because they spent nearly 1,000 buck-a-roonies, on my small small family. Why would they do that? I dunno but if they ever read this I thank them very much. It means a lot to me. We were weren't really planning on having a Christmas this year. Mostly just eating and then, "Family Time" which is where we watch movies and then yell at each other to shut up during the movie. What can I say? Can't break tradition. ;) But yeah. That brought me to tears to see actual presents under our tree with single ornaments and lights strung around it. It made my sister smile, it made my mom cry. It made my dad say 'Wow'. In English. Not that you can say 'Wow' in Spanish, just with less of an accent.

I was kidnapped by my friends to watch The Help. It's a really good movie. Depicts the time of all the segregation and black maids so well. I love it. Because you can all collectively hate the same person, and love the same person. :) I love that. Like when you go to a movie and your the only one laughing because your laugh is on the outside. But I LOVE, when you go to a movie and the people in the theater with you laugh when you laugh, and OUT LOUD no less. :) It's awesome. Or when there are black people and they comment on everything! (Not being at all, seriously, racist. I love black people.)

Today, I went to the Timpanogos temple. Although i didnt go inside because of my recommend and personal reasons. It still felt good to even be on the outside. Being on the outside I still felt that peace. Being on the outside I still felt that comfort. Being on the outside, I still felt His care. It was weird to actually sit there, and think to myself. Why I was sitting on the outside. How I could change that, and What I had to do to be able to go inside again someday. I miss it... but. Today was not wasted. Today, I felt more spirit then I have ever in a single meeting. I know that sounds terrible. ... but it was true. It is true. The temple is a House of The Lord. A place to find peace and joy, and revelation. What's worse is that, we should be able to find that same peace and joy, and revelation in our own homes. Our homes should hold that same amount. But I don't, I find myself in a constant battle trying to find some form of peace in silences, some form of joy in the laughter, some form of revelation in the discussions. If that makes any sense. [its alright if you dont, this is mainly for my own vent session. My imaginary version that someone is actually listening to me and caring.]

Today, I wrote in my journal.. At least.. 15 pages. It hurt, but it felt good. A "hurt so good" kind of thing. I wrote about what happened nearly 5 years ago. I wrote about the trials I had endured, the lies I told, the pain I caused others, the pain I brought upon myself. All of this negative pressure, negative results, all because I didn't have any friends. I was the shy, always-early-to-class student. To a teacher, that's the best student. I was always last in group assignments, or groups of 3's. I would wait for everyone to be done and when the teacher would say "Does anyone not have a group?" Is when I would raise my hand, and receive the looks from everyone in the class that all collectively said "Please don't put her in our group." I knew I wasn't wanted.

Fact: I had to make up, a boy, who "liked me" for someone to realized I was cutting myself. (yeah. there's the big secret. and I won't go into much more details.)

I wrote about how I would speak to my mother in my room, and cover the fresh cuts with my own hands and she wouldn't even notice. That's when I realized, she didn't even notice. Nobody cared. Nobody listened to me.

Now, I love my mother. I do. But at that time, I thoroughly disagreed, and i still do. She told me that it didn't matter if I had friends or not in school. [mind you, it was 7th grade.] That I needed to focus more on my school work, or my studies, then having friends. I ate lunch for the entire 1st semester alone. Even alone in the bathroom at times. I regret to admit, but I did. I was that girl. I was.. Even in elementary. The first note I ever wrote to my friend, she didn't let me give it to her. Because I simply said that a little quiz means less then a friendship. That our friendship meant more then a silly little quiz. But that's besides the point. I had, no friends. All my friends from 6th grade went on to Centennial. Or the friends I did have, decided they were to cool for me and acted like we had never met.

3 things I figured. Nobody Noticed. Nobody Cared. Nobody Listened. It wasn't until the 2nd semester that I had 3 friends. THREE. Count 'em. ONE. TWO. THREE. They were well known among peers at school, mostly because they had their own group at their elementary. The Pink Ladies. [They loved the movie Grease] With jackets with letters and everything. Later that year they had told my counselor. Then ... I got better. Slowly ... and at times I felt the way I did before. At times at school now, I still wait for the teacher to ask that question, but sometimes he/she doesn't and I'm left sitting there. Getting the assignment done by myself. Because. Nobody Noticed.

Granted now I do have more friends then I did in 7th grade. 8th grade was the push of my shyness. Choir helped in a way. I had to sing in front of a class room of 40 girls. I joined a dance group program after school and actually met a boy. A real boy. Who liked me. And I liked him. A lot. He saved me. He saved me from the RUT I was in. Of course, he had to move away and I haven't seen him since a volleyball game at Springville that Mountain View Football was playing at. He came to see the game for a bit. :j Of which I had gotten dig, after dig, and we got the game winning rally point, because of those digs. :)

.... well.. This has been quite the entry no? I'm sorry. that was just my long. long. long. long. long. long. Stream on conscious. So yeah.. Don't judge me to harshly.. I have my reasons. I have my flaws. Your not perfect either, you were just given different trials. We all were. Sometimes they can be similar. But its rare. You know, If I were given a chance to CHOOSE my trials and pains and frustrations. I'd pick the same ones. So would you.


Yours Truly,
Amanda Jeannette.
Stay True, Stay You.